Dear God,
You must understand that I certainly keep you in the highest regard. No one in my organization disbelieves that you exist—and I wouldn't have it any other way! But you must understand that in the current struggle, it is necessary to treat the truth as if it were pliable putty, to be bent as necessary to obtain the ends to which these many years of conflict have been leading. I'm sure you understand. In fact, I know you do!
So it has been necessary to convince as many people as possible that you are the author of my own life's work—not that I'm eager for you to get the credit, quite the contrary, but that it is necessary to get these fools to believe that you are the one doing it. It wouldn't do for them to realize that it is I—though someday I am hoping that the realization will provide an extra little kick that is so enjoyable to watch in its effect!
But I am writing to clear up a misunderstanding that we have between us. I am not the one inciting the world to rebellion against you. That would be too easy! No, it is far more enjoyable to get your Church to do it for me. You see, the world, left to its own idiotic fancies, would far too quickly realize that it has been yours truly (no pun intended) who is responsible for all the—shall we say, "events and occurrences"—that the world sees as so troubling. But I have left it to your Church to educate them that you are the responsible party. And why not?
After all, what is not to like about the phrase, "Acts of God" as it relates to disasters, and fires, and floods, and all sorts of calamities? But I resent it, Sir, that there is any suggestion that I have been teaching the world in general that you cause these things. No! I am innocent of this charge! I have merely—encouraged—your own people to make the charge themselves. After all, they are so deliciously ignorant of your Word that it has been especially easy to convince them that you are doing my work. Not that my jealousy won't be paid back out in the end, but it is a necessary evil in the struggle that we face.
And I am willing to forgo the honor of correct attribution in the name of such confusion. After all, isn't being blamed by your own people more insidiously clever than if I were simply to whip up the "outsiders" in the world to do it? And your Church is so apt!
You must admit that it is easy to get them to do it, because they so easily confuse Sovereignty with Wanton Discretion. Am I therefore to be held accountable if they conclude, mostly without my help or prodding, that you are the author of sickness, death, and destruction? You certainly have not pled your own case very well. And if the Church is quick to reconcile my acts with your character, is that my fault? I think not! Their own theologians have helped them in this.
My only contribution has been to spread a certain "understanding" and atmosphere that encourages your people to question one another's motives. And I must admit that when I hear them say things like, "we can't really know for sure" when it comes to your singularly unnecessary promises in scripture, it simply warms my heart. The only other thing that, perhaps, I have had a slight hand in fostering is to help them rely on principles rather than on your own presence. The letter kills, after all!
It is simply good for business that they mistake living by a set of Biblical precepts as synonymous with living in your fellowship—which, under the present circumstances, I can't personally abide. But I have always found it easy to get leaders among them to create an atmosphere of suspicion when it comes to your supernatural manifestations, and to credit me with them instead, which credit I am also happy to steal. After all, the Pharisees are quite as alive and relevant as they were 2000 years ago—if simply re-packaged for a more modern audience. No, it would never do to have them thinking that a supernatural God would ever really act supernaturally.
No, I have not been stirring up the world against you! It is your own people who have perfected "having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof" that has created the environment where you have been ridiculed by the world. Your own people mostly want you as a doctrinal statement, anyway. They got into your kingdom through an act of supernatural power, but they are now convinced that they must live it out naturally. Miracles? They were only for Jesus! It is simply too precious to consider!
Yes, I must give credit where credit is due! Your own people have turned you into a remote, mysterious, omnipotent being that is more ready to punish with cancer, famine, and blight than—excuse me, I meant "teach" not "punish"—even Pharisees can see through that little, um, slip! Yes, to teach them with cancer, famine, war, poverty, and every kind of misery that you are so gloriously credited with providing. Is it any wonder that the rest of the world isn't interested in joining your kingdom in order to become "better" people? I say, I wouldn't! But then, I'm not doing this for my kingdom, but for yours!
Your kingdom is the one that must have all the appeal of a rotting corpse. And if I have incited your own people against you, and simply pulled back the curtain so that the rest of the world can see this, I cannot be held responsible that a house divided against itself cannot stand. Which is all I ever wanted.
Sincerely,
Lucifer